Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
