you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize