He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
