i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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