this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
