Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
