You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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