I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize