I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
