I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
