The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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