Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
