I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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