I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
