dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
