Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
