did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
