I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
