She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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