I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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