I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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