I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
