Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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