Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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