I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
