Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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