apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
