dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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