when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
