Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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