When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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