she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
