just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
