well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
