Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm gonna have a badass scar
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
