dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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