toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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