There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
