My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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