Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Green mimosas i think yes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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