I wish my penis had an off switch
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
