So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
