Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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