I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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