I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
