He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
