the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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