Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
