i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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