I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
