my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize