My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize