she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
