i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
