you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
