Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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