Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
