I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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