What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
