I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
