I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
