I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
do nipples grow back?
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